As I wrapped up an SOS session with one of my life coaching clients earlier today, it brought back memories of my own journey through a similar situation years ago. After a fresh breakup, I found myself questioning whether I had made the right decision to leave that relationship. Despite knowing deep down that I no longer wanted to be in it and that the connection was gone, doubts and fears clouded my mind. What if I never find another meaningful companionship? What if I could have done something differently to salvage the relationship? The fear of the unknown had a tight grip on me, fueled by unprocessed trauma and pain from the past.

The hold that fear has on us can be remarkably strong, especially when we carry unresolved wounds. My client is on her healing and transformation journey, making great progress, but that stubborn fear continues to whisper in her ear, trying to hold her back and make her question her decisions. This fear is a dangerous force that prevents many from embracing the freedom to make positive changes in their lives.

When someone starts working with me to get dating skills and help them find love, the very first thing we do is dive deep into discovering the roots of why they have not yet found love and why the previous relationships did not sustain. More times than not, a client has a few past relationships outlining the same pattern.  And this pattern most of the time is indication of unprocessed trauma still lodged within and still dictating the actions. It is absolutely crucial to uncover the roots of current challenges before even considering going into a dating world to search for love. Some times I hear that there is no point of “digging into the past”, it is just the matter of “meeting the right person”, and then things will just click. While that is not impossible, it is however extremely unlikely. Even if we get lucky and meet someone we truly connect to, it is guaranteed that we will be employing the same coping mechanisms and communication styles, we had used in the past, the same ones that did not lead us to sustain a long term successful healthy relationship. So, sooner or later, once the excitement and sense of novelty wears off, once the honeymoon phase is over, old patterns will come crawling back in, once again sabotaging the success of yet another connection.

Healing and self-awareness are the keys to forming healthy relationships and attracting healthy partners. Toxic mindsets attract other toxic mindsets, leading to a cycle of toxicity that doesn’t lead to a positive outcome. Instead, seeking help from a coach, therapist, or support group can prepare us mentally and emotionally for inviting another person into our lives. All relationships require work and effort, and the healthier we are going into them, the better chance we have at maintaining a lasting love connection.