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Updating Dating Beliefs

April 05, 20233 min read

Today marked the end of the coaching program with one of my clients, and I couldn’t be happier with her progress. She shared that during these weeks, she learned and healed more than in her previous years of therapy. Her beaming smile and words of pride filled the room, and it truly warmed my heart to witness her happiness. It’s a beautiful sight to see someone embrace the challenging journey of healing and reprogramming their mindset, feeling their inner power, building confidence, and releasing the grip of past experiences that could hinder their present and future. I can relate to her journey intimately. The power she is discovering has always been within her; it was just buried beneath layers of old, unhealthy patterns.

In the initial conversation during our breakthrough session, she immediately pointed fingers at men, blaming them for her single status and proclaiming that there were no good men left. This sentiment is all too common. Women blame men, men blame women, and ultimately, everyone ends up feeling lonely and miserable. Why are we so quick to place blame on others or external circumstances? Perhaps it’s easier to point fingers than to admit that we may be the common denominator in our patterns of unsuccessful connections. I’ve been there, eagerly searching for a scapegoat and deflecting responsibility onto someone else. It took immense effort to face the truth that I was actively contributing to the outcomes of my failed relationships, or rather, the needed experiences that pushed me to evaluate and update my belief system. I no longer refer to them as “failed” but rather as necessary stepping stones on my journey.

When was the last time you took a proactive look at your behavioral patterns? Have you explored your triggers and their roots? We diligently update the software on our tech gadgets to ensure they function optimally because we understand the frustration that glitches can cause. However, we rarely pause to consider our internal software. We continue running an outdated system, formed during our childhood, that no longer serves us but instead inflicts harm. Yet, we stubbornly persist, encountering the same challenges repeatedly without realizing the dire need for a significant update.

Do this exercise: take a moment to examine your dating beliefs, some of them may be outdated. Here are a few common examples:

  • Agree or disagree: Only men should approach women in the dating world.

  • Belief: A woman should sleep with a man sooner rather than later to ensure he doesn’t leave her.

  • Belief: A woman should wait a long time before becoming sexually intimate with a new man to prevent him from seeing her as solely a sexual object, as men are only interested in sex and will lose respect for her once they sleep together.

  • Belief: Online dating is only for casual hookups.

  • Belief: Women like only ‘bad boys’.


Take a moment to reflect on these beliefs and consider if they still align with your values and desires. It’s time to shed light on the outdated patterns and embrace the need for a major update in our approach to relationships.

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Irena Polyakova

Irena, a passionate Life and Relationship Coach on a mission to transform the statistics on loneliness. With a deep-rooted desire to help people find love within themselves and in a healthy relationship, she draws upon her own experiences and a wealth of knowledge acquired through rigorous academic and life education.

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